How we build children's self-esteem

Posted Jul 28, 2015 in Family

My days are filled with many kinds of moments: happy, enjoyable, frustrating, boring, busy, absolutely terrible and just ok. Depending on how I am feeling when I reflect on those moments at the end of the day, I might have an overall impression that the terrible moments outweighed the good ones or vice versa. It depends on the self-talk that is dominating my thoughts. If I am full of self-doubt, feeling like it is all too hard, then my perspective on the day is negative. I just can’t see the good moments even if, in reality, there were many. If I am feeling quite confident and capable, my perspective re-adjusts. I feel quite good that I was able to deal with difficult situations.

This self-talk — the messages that we give ourselves when faced with unknown or challenging situations — largely reflects our self-esteem. If we feel good about ourselves, we are more likely to see difficult situations as challenges that can be overcome. However if we are feeling down on ourselves and lack the confidence to give new things or challenges a go, then it can all seem too hard.

The great news is that self-esteem, and therefore the messages that we speak to ourselves, is learned. For parents, this means that we can help to develop our children’s self-esteem.

We can boost their self-belief by affirming our children, naming their good qualities, character and potential. Being very specific with praise builds their confidence. Rather than saying ‘Good boy’ or ‘Good girl’, try naming exactly what you are pleased with. For instance, ‘Well done on your maths test. You put a lot of time and effort into practising.’ ‘I like the way you helped your little sister get dressed this morning. You are a great sister.’

Expressing your appreciation for something your child does is also a self-esteem booster: ‘Thanks for putting out the recycle bin. I really loved how you used your initiative and did it without me having to remind you.’

It can help to break down difficult tasks into kid sized bits, so that we can encourage progress rather than focus on the final product. In this way we have more chance of reinforcing our children’s efforts and encouraging them to persist. Parents often employ this step-by-step apprach when teaching children to cross roads safely: Stop (a step back from the road), Look (right, left, then right again), Listen (for approaching traffic), Think (about whether it’s safe to cross). And finally, Walk (don’t run, straight across).

Perhaps the most important way parents can build their children’s self esteem is by letting them know that they are loved — unconditionally — by their parents and by God. What greater confidence can a child (or parent) have than to know how very valuable they are to God!

So start working on your children’s self-esteem now so that you can prepare them to face whatever challenges they encounter each day, now and in the future.

This article is from Issue 44 of Faith Family, which will be available in the last week of August. Faith Familyis a quarterly, four-page publication providing parents with encouragement and ideas for living out their faith in their daily lives and helping children to develop their own faith. Find out more here.

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